


Good Intentions

by the-canary (siruru)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Biker Bucky, Childhood Friends, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hospitalization, Kidnapping, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Reader-Insert, Requited Unrequited Love, Reunions, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, War Veteran Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2020-01-14 17:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18480922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/the-canary
Summary: What if everyone knew except the two of you? Accepting it might be the hardest thing of all though.





	1. what's up danger?

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Biker AU! + @polaroid-idiocity ‘s biker!bucky and mechanic!reader request. 
> 
> this is for @sgtbucketbarnes ‘s writing challenge.

Here’s the thing, when you have childhood friends you treated yourself the reality that there is someone that you can share all your problems and secrets with – someone that knows you like that back of your hand visa-versa.

> _“Hey, hey,” there is a small voice coming from her side as she turns to look over at the small boy with a cast on his left arm, “What are you in here for?”_
> 
> _She blinks for a moment, unsure of what the boy would want with her. She didn’t talk to boys her age when she was at home, even less at school: “W-What?”_
> 
> _“Watcha ya in here?” the boy asks again with a grin, as she can see his two front teeth are missing and there on bandage on his forehead, “I fell off a tree.”_
> 
> _“I broke the glass table,” she answers back shyly and moves  her right hand just a bit to show off the wrapping around it, a she gives him an awkward smile – much to his gaping surprise._

However, there are things that come with age and the truths that come with adulthood tend to tear that reality apart – you knew that too well.

You knew that thanks to Bucky Barnes.

* * *

_“Excuse me, are you —”_

You aren’t sure why you are in a car share to Pennsylvania Station 3 in the morning with your pajamas and a thick coat and boots, but your heart had been beating non-stop since you had gotten the phone call.

It had been years since you had heard from Bucky, and to hear that he was in the hospital in the worst sort of way and that you were still his emergency contact. Well, your mind went into overdrive as you pushed the familiar app and grabbed your bag and anything you could put on in a quick second.

_“—James Buchanan Barnes is in intensive care. We have you under his–”_

It’s a three hour ride and four buses exchanges between where you are supposed to be and where you are coming from. You draft two messages over and over again, trying not to think over how you haven’t seen Bucky in years – since the middle of your college years. You try to ignore that he left you heartbroken even more when he left Brooklyn to go where he went with his then-girlfriend, that pretty redhead named Dolores.

But, why? Why of all the people in the world did he have you as his emergency contact? He could have changed it a hundred times over. You try not to think about it as you send a message to your boss –years of training had landed you a fancy job at Stark Industries– that you won’t be coming in at all, even though there is major project deadline coming up.

It’s close to 7am when you are walking down the linoleum and bleached white-washed walls of the AtlantiCare Medical Center. You bite your nail for just a moment, move back and forth twice before going up to the nurses’ station. You ask for a man that you haven’t seen in a decade plus, before showing your ID and stating who you are.

“Room 301A,” a nurse with blue hair and a bitter expression, motions down the hall, “Down and to your right.”

“Thank you,” you mumble shyly, starting to feel the nerves going up and down your spine as you head down the hallway. You send the message you had been writing to Steve as you stand in front of the room for a moment, taking a deep breath and pushing the door to see the dim lighting on a completely different man – one you clearly didn’t know anymore.  

“Fuck,” is all you can manage to say at the sight in front of you, as you try your hardest to try not to slide down to the floor in that moment.

You stand there frozen instead, in a strange sort o f irony, as you see James on a hospital bed once more –the ventilator breathing for him and bandages peppered around his face to reduce the swelling (with purple bruises littering his arms) – as you take a seat next him and place your head in your hands, quite unsure of why you are here anymore and what is going to happen next.

“What the hell happened, Bucky?”


	2. the distance between you and me.

Here’s the thing about growing up – there are things you come to lose and understand even more, and sometimes even less as you get older and you connect with more people. Humans are social by design, as least that’s what he heard in class once or twice, – you need others to thrive and full life. James has always thought his circle friends from childhood was going to stay with him the rest of his life. And maybe, that was his first problem to begin with.

> _“So, who do you like?” Peggy, a transfer student from England, had asked you when you were in the hallways one day. And while, there was a lot of obvious tension between you and a certain person, he was currently dating one of the prettiest cheerleaders in all of the school._
> 
> _“Scott? Steve?” she laughs before adding in, “James?”_
> 
> _“I don’t think I could ever like James that way,” you answer the questions back timidly, as Peggy frowns understanding the real meaning of you are trying to say as she gives you a pat on the shoulder._
> 
> _You give her a timid smile, completely unaware that Steve and Bucky were just around the corner and listening the whole conversation ._

Bucky Barnes wasn’t sure if you or him were at fault of everything that had happened between the two of you as a result, or maybe it was an equal parts sort of thing – he just wasn’t willing to find out.

* * *

It’s three days of going in-between your work and the hospital to understand what is fully going on and what the hell had happened to Bucky – and it wasn’t a good thing. You had tried calling Steve and explaining what had happened and tried to get whatever information he knew, but it seemed that he was busy with his own life. So you ended up calling a lawyer that you were familiar with back at Stark Industries and they lead to back to familiar face.

“Racketeering, drug possession and moving it across state lines,” Sam goes on and on with the list that you had come to understand where the list of charges that were pending against Bucky when he woke up. You couldn’t help but frown as you lean further in the chair.

From what you could get, Bucky had been running with a group of bikers that moved all New York and the Northeast, nobody was sure what had happened by the boss –still unnamed and unknown– had something against Bucky and have left him for dead in a ditch outside of Atlantic City. However, it seemed like there were a lot of things that he had been doing, mainly illegal, since the last time you has last seen each other.

It all seemed mind boggling, as you try to think about the tattooed and clean shaven James Barnes being the same grinning and teasing Bucky that you had known all those years ago.  

What the hell had happened?  

“I know some people that would be willing to do this pro-bono,” Sam explains while throwing all the documentation onto his desk with a weary sigh, “But, I suggest you remove yourself as soon as possible. This is just a mess in the making, especially once that Borky wakes up.”

 _“Bucky,_ ” you correct him, but Sam just shrugs it off, “And I’ll try to, once he wakes up.”

You stare Sam straight in his brown eyes, as he nods in affirmation. Though if he knew you well enough, he would understand how unsure you were about the whole situation and how you felt old feelings rise up as well. However, that wasn’t for him to deal with.

* * *

“I really don’t know what could have happened,” Steve remarks to you later that evening over the phone since he was visiting his wife’s family on the West Coast, “I haven’t talked to him in a couple of years either. Last time I heard he was in some type of training program and then–”

Steve lets out a heavy sigh and you feel your annoyance bubble for just a second, “Then what, Steve?”

“He had started dating a gal,” Steve answers back, trying to remember as your heart sinks for just a second, “Was getting real serious about her real quick. You know, like Bucky always does when he’s in love.”

“Yeah,” you breathe out, though you really, “I know.”

Steve lets out a sigh before getting a bit more serious, “Listen…I know you guys 

“I’ll do the best I can, Stevie,” you answer the best you can, though you are sure your voice cracks near the end. But, it was the truth and that was all Steve could ask for at the moment.

* * *

It’s the sixth day when it finally happens, even though the doctors had been doubtful from all the internal wounds that he had received. It’s the afternoon and you’re sleeping on the chair near the window, papers stewed about the tiny desk over work that you had to complete and had gotten hardly any sleep over the night before. However, the lack of sleep and a heavy lunch had gotten the best of you just few minutes before.

At the same time you were falling asleep, blue eyes were slowly opening and slowly taking the sight of the monitors and white, bleach smelling room. He glances around trying to get used to his surroundings and understand what had happened since he had gotten into a fight with Rumlow, but what caught his attention more and made the monitor make a bit more noise than usual was who was sharing the room with him.

_What the hell were you doing here?_

**Why were you still as pretty as hell?**


	3. no difference.

Here’s the thing though, as much as you try make a difference in life – there is always something darker that might take its place, a truth that people can’t or even refuse to answer. It had happened to Bucky once or maybe twice in life, and they were choices that he had to live with.

> _“The girl or your life, Jones. If that’s even your real name.”_
> 
> _Jones –serious and blue-eyed– looks at Rumlow with his gun straight between his eyes. The girls are scared and huddled in the corner as the fire gets closer and closer to them. Brown eyes flicker to meet Jones’ blue ones, but before anything can be done by the two – there is a pop and crack It leads to Jones falling over as he hears Rumlow laugh._
> 
> _“You should’ve left when I told you,” a female voice remarks from behind and Jones can only curse before blacking out completely._

Maybe, this is what Bucky gets for placing his emotions on the line.  

* * *

You wake up half an hour later to the sound of more active beeping coming from the heart monitor and the sight of Bucky –or was it better to call him James?– talking with the nurse. The man had always been a charmer and even now you could tell that the nurse seemed to like the attention he was giving her and for some reason -like she was the one coming in this past week to watch over him– that sent a chill down your spin. So, without another word you get up and the noise of the chair scraping over the linoleum floor is enough to grab their attention.

However, you don’t address either of them as you get your phone out of your pocket and try to call someone, anyone to help you with what comes after this.

The nurse blinks before letting an awkward laugh, clearly thinking she had gotten caught, as her eyes turn from looking at Bucky to the door then back that him. However, Bucky is only staring at the door with an almost pained expression.

“Your girlfriend is a sweet thing,” the nurse exclaims as she goes back to making sure that everything is in order, “She’s been here everyday, checking up on you.”

“I see,” is Bucky manages to say before the nurse leaves the room.

Unsure of what to do next, Bucky just sits there and takes in room. He had tried to after waking up, but the nurse and doctor had quickly come in afterwards to check up on him –they probably knew who he was connected to– and though there were still major wounds that needed healing he was in relative good health after waking up.

He takes in that there is a duffel bag and smaller purse where you were sitting with papers and notebooks stewed about. Bucky can’t help but wonder what you’ve were doing since the last he had seen you, since before he went underground. There had been so much time lost and choices made, though Bucky didn’t regret anything – it was all for the better good.

But the nurse was right, you had been here the whole time and Bucky wasn’t sure exactly how to feel about that or even what to say when you came back.

* * *

_“He woke up,” you exclaim on the phone near the bathroom, “What am I supposed to do?”_

_“I’ll call the Captain,” Steve remarks and you’re all but confused over his statement, “Everything will get sorted out soon.”_

_“That’s great and all,” you sigh out, “But, what am I supposed to do, Steve?”_

_“Talk to him,” Steve replies like it’s the easiest thing in the world, like you haven’t ignored each other for years, “Get to know who he is now.”_

_He hangs up, forgetting that the only present Bucky you now is a potential drug maker and future convicted felon._

* * *

It takes you longer than it should to get back to his room as you end up wasting time by walking up and down corridors and fighting with yourself over what you wanted to snack on from the cafeteria two floors down. You aren’t delaying the inevitable, but at the same time you are.

What if this had all been a mistake? What if he didn’t want to see you, much less interact with now? Who was Bucky Barnes now anyways?

There were so many questions looming in your head and after getting even more snacks from the vending machine down the hall, you end up in the same place all over again – Room 301A. The light is streaming down beneath the door and you take a deep breath and open the door with arms full of candy and junk food – at least they can help to keep your mouth shut when need be.

However, you don’t expect electricity to strike you when blue eyes meet yours, to be frozen still by a simple glance and a hitch of breathe. It’s then you realize that sleeping Bucky looks completely different from awake Bucky and the years add more to that realization. There are crinkles and lines over his eyes with a bit of grey on the short beard he has managed to grow. There’s a seriousness to him that you aren’t used to because Bucky you knew was always smiles and laughs and this one was looked as if he was trying to analyzing you.

Though you were sure, it looked like you were doing the same.

“Glad you see you’re awake,” you admit because you had been dreading that he was never going to since you got that 3am call, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got run over by a burnin’ bus,” he groans and sits up as you move the chair a bit closer to his bed and take a seat, “How have you been, jellybean?”

You freeze for a second at the familiar nickname and notice that he is looking at the all-too familiar bag that is strayed about among all the rest of the candies. You can’t help but let out a laugh at the memory from that one Halloween – fighting for said candies and Almond Joys until you were too sick to move.

“Not stressing’ now that you’re awake, idiot,” you let out with a shrug, hoping that your voice doesn’t crack at the end as Bucky gives you a weary smile, “I got a call from Steve saying that a Cap should be heading soon.”

His jaw tightens and he nods, “That’s good to know.”

This was a lot easier than you thought it would be, but maybe it came with pretending that he was still someone you knew and that your time with him was limited – that soon he might be taken away and locked up and you would likely never see him again. Maybe, you were living a fool’s dream or just too damn naive, but you wanted to spend time with Bucky –whatever version was in front of you now– as much as possible.

“Kit Kat? Mars Bars?” you asks while raising some bags to his eyesight and thus so he can stop staring at you. He leans in and ends up taking a Mr.Good Bar instead, which causes you to give him a questioning glance because you don’t remember him liking it in the past – however, you let it go for now.

“So, what do ya do?” he asks while ripping the bag and popping a piece of chocolate into his perfect mouth. You try to ignore it and move forward with the questioning, only slightly worried about whether a hospital patient should be indulging in candy or not.

“I work as a mechanical engineer at Stark Industries,” you explain while taking another piece of candy into your mouth as blue eyes widen and Bucky whistles in surprise.

“Damn, that’s pretty impressive,” he answers back and for a second you’re between asking the same question and dropping it all together. Yes, the years has passed you by, but what good was bringing them all up in the end when you were sure he was going to just leave all over again – it was better to live in the moment, no?

(A much younger Bucky had told you to  _always live in the present_ , after watching a bit too much Top Gun.)  

“Is that what you’re workin’ on?” Bucky asks, dragging you out of thoughts and perpetual frown, as you turn to look at what he is pointing at – the folded blueprint underneath a novel to you were slowly making your way through since last month and some balled up post-it notes.

“Yup,” you nod and look at him. Blue eyes gleaming with excitement, “Do you wanna see it?”

“Really?” Bucky perks up considerably as you nod, “Nothing top secret, right?”

“Not at all,” you answer back in an obvious lie but at the thought of that Bucky who spent too much time with the robotics team and could score the winning goal for the team and ace that dreaded maths test all in one Friday – and well, you didn’t mind getting Tony mad a little later.

“Sure!” Bucky grin, as you get up and grab the paper only to unfold it on his lap. And in that moment with his bright blue eyes glow in excitement underneath the low lighting of the room – you knew he understand what you were trying to tinker with.

Bucky always understood, even when you didn’t want to talk. He could tell how you felt in second even when you were hiding behind books and tinkering in his dad’s garage. So, why couldn’t he ever tell that you were–

“And what’s this for?” his voice brings you back out of your thoughts, like it always had, as his patched up fingers point to a certain corner of the design.

“Well, that’s—”

And it’s almost like old times, as Bucky finds himself sneaking glances at your smile as you explain things and you lean a bit more into his shoulder than you really should. The night passes on like that, until you fall asleep on the chair unsure of what will happen to Bucky once morning arrives.     


	4. two steps back.

The bruises and injuries on Bucky start to heal and in a way, your relationship does as well. You’re there from Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon when time allows for it and between working on your laptop and Bucky’s personal rehabilitation, it’s pretty much the two of you in the quiet space of the hospital room. 

You do the best you can to catch up and understand how the goofy smiling Bucky who is going insane over your newest design could be a cold-hearted criminal. You had looked up Brock Runlow’s gang when you were back home and were both horrified and scared over everything that was connected to them -- drugs, prostitution, murder. 

You didn’t understand it at all, even less when Steve wouldn’t talk to you about it and Sam said he couldn’t tell you anything about an investigation and potential future trial on his hands. You knew they were trying to protect you, but nothing seemed to add up in your head anymore.

“What are you thinking about now?” a deep voice laughs, as you turn from your little cramped seat to see blue eyes lit with curious glint over what was going on in your head.    

“Propulsion Jet,” you state with an awkward laugh you are hopeful he doesn’t catch the true meaning of, as his eyes widen just a bit and you can’t help but notice that shaggy brown hair is filling in his once buzz cut scalp once more. 

“Well, show me!” he demands like a child, as he moves aside and pats on the small, empty side of the hard hospital bed. You stare at him for a moment before getting up with your laptop and taking a seat next to him. 

You eagerly go over your newest blueprints with him and if you feel an arm wrap around your waist (and maybe, you lean a little closer as well) -- well, you don’t say anything about it at all.

* * *

There is a lot of things on Bucky’s mind when he is completely alone in the hospital -- his mind runs a hundred miles with unanswered questions and the inability to do anything due to who he is and what he had been doing this past couple of years. 

He thinks about Steve and how Captain Fury might be handling all this.

_ “Once you’re healed,” Fury can barely contain his anger, “We can talk about what happened in the barn and why exactly we haven’t found Rumlow.” _

He thinks about his ma and his sisters that he hasn’t seen in years. But, most of all he thinks about a certain gal that seemed to come crashing in his world, even after so many years apart without wanting anything in return -- without asking any questions of who he was now and everything that he has probably done. 

_ “You know,” Steve breathes out during their last phone conversation as if trying to be subtle, “She worries about you all the time.” _

_ “I know that,” Bucky relents cause he knows it better than anyone else because he’s seen it up close, “But that isn’t the problem.”  _

That has never been the problem. 

And as the night moves on, Bucky can’t help but wonder if the years part and changes you had both gone through can make up for lost time, and realize that certain things haven’t really changed at all.

* * *

Here’s the problem though, while Bucky is daydream -- you’re being followed after getting out a work a bit later than usual after trying to make up for all the hours you have been spending away from the Tower. 

“I’m sure that everything will be fine, Steve,” you let out with a laugh a few paces from your car, “You worry too much.” 

_ Thump! _

There is screaming on the other side of the phone, but your end is completely silent. A man with a burned right side grins before hauling you on to his shoulder before crushing your phone underneath his black boot. 

After that, there really isn’t much left to be said, as you get driven out of New York City. 

 

 


	5. the past comes creeping back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of kidnapping and abuse, please proceed with caution.

The report states that it was a bunch of rookie mistakes, things that would have not happened had the cop that they sent wasn’t so long. Bucky, in the aftermath of it all, can’t help but think that it was simply an oversight of his ego instead of a lack of proper training.

The girls, the drugs, all the money in the world -- anybody else would have fallen just as easily as him. If it hadn’t been for his police background he might have ended up disappeared or worse, Rumlow didn’t tolerate failure the first time around. 

However, Bucky had done something worse than that -- he has been hiding a whole bunch of things and he was about to take both his girl --Dot, but she has been with him first-- and his drugs far away from where Rumlow could find either of them. 

_ Pop! Pop! Pop! _

But, reality has a harsh way of reminding people of their place in life, Bucky remembers Rumlow laughing that out over the corpse of a certain before he can walking towards him in the fiery wreck. 

_ It sure does,  _ Bucky remembers thinking in defeat and self-loathing as he meets the barrel of the gun. 

He passes out before he can make out the police sirens wailing in the distance. 

* * *

 

It doesn’t take Steve along to realize that something is wrong, Bucky had been calling him non-stop since she had failed to arrive at his hospital for the weekend. Steve wants to chalk it all up to you being too late or tired after juggling seeing the man in New Jersey and moving to and from Manhattan. However, the two of them --through the years before and now-- know that you would never complain about doing something -- you were too stubborn and caring to not let Bucky know that you weren’t going to come to visit him. 

_ Please Stevie, you just gotta find her. Rumlow is still…. _

Steve knows what he has to do, as he makes a few phones late into the night to realize that she never made it to her little apartment, that she never actually made it out of the damn building of Stark Industries. 

He can’t help but curse into the early morning hours when he and Sam, through a little help from a diligent IT technician, see you being carried away in the darkness by a very large man that he had come to know about to well since Bucky had been sent to the hospital -- and now you had been dragged into all this as well.  

* * *

 

_ This is what he… _

You don’t remember much after the first hit to the head to get you into the car after you had tried escaping by biting the large man’s hand and proceeding to hit him in the shin. You double in cold sweat between the second beating and the razor blade laid softly on your forearms and shoulders until you are freezing from the lack of a top.

“I won’t do anything to ya,” the large man with a burn scar running from the bottom left to upper right side of his face declares as you swear you can hear your ribs cracking in the background, “I just wanna make sure he won’t ever forget this...or me when this is all over.”

You don’t know who he is talking about, but you get the feeling  --through the pain and the delirium-- that you do, there was only one person and his past that could have led you to this doorstep. 

You curse out his name through a broken nose and gasping for air as the man lets out a dark chuckle before stating, “Yeah, you’ll never forget him for this either, huh?” 

You’re coming out of another black, though this time tied to a metal bar in the back of the largely unfurnished house that man has brought you to more than a day ago. You can barely see anything from battered and puffy as the man (you had never been awake long enough to remember his name) is screaming towards the front of the house. 

“When know that you’re in there, Rumlow?” you swear that you hear Steve’s voice, as you let out a shuddering breath and for the first time since this had started the fear and despair truly settle into your heart that you just might not make it out of this. 

You want to believe in Steve with all your heart, but that’s the exact moment you hear heavy footsteps coming down to where you are sure to be. You aren’t an expert, but you know that people tend to do desperate things when they are placed in dangerous situations.

Just what exactly what was this Rumlow going to do? 

Your mind stops thinking when you hear a pop and even more yelling. You turn to see brown eyes gleaming with a crude smile on his face at what he has aimed right at you. 

Your throat burns as you yell through the bile and dread that threaten to come up from your mouth. 

There are tears in your eyes, as you see bright red on the ground in front of you. 

You don’t hear Steve calling out your name or see the aftermath of anything. 


	6. waiting.

There isn’t much to say about the end of Brock Rumlow -- from shootout to a personal fight with one Capt. Steve Rogers. However, the truth was that was wasn’t expecting to live through it all in the long run. Rumlow knew that he was going to go out when he went after “Beau”, or one James Buchanan Barnes to be exact, he knew he was going to go down. 

In the end, Rumlow would haunt the man for the rest of his days -- for his fallen empire, for his useless lackeys, for Dottie, but above everything else himself. 

As he feels himself slowly passing out with the black slowly overtaking his vision, Rumlow lets out a bloody laugh as he lays there. 

Yes, this was certainly a good way to go. 

* * *

_ Beep. Beep… _

It’s like this for the next two days, as Steve watches over your body for the next three days. You hadn’t woken up, but he couldn’t blame you for it with the wounds and bruises spilled all over your body. 

Broken ribs, a collapsed lung, internal bleeding, burn marks littered around your body. Steve knew it was a damn miracle that you were alive, but also that deep down you were a fighter. Bucky had always been the one to point it out as you grew up around each other. 

> _ “Did you see that?” Bucky remarked with pure glee, “Shot it right out of the park!” _
> 
> _ His scream catches everyone’s attention. Well, everyone except the girl that is running from first base to second and Steve would have laughed if wasn’t for the sudden forlorn on Bucky’s face as he sits back down.  _
> 
> _ “She really is something else,” was all that Bucky said as he kept watching one particular person for the rest of the game, even if she didn’t even look their way once.  _

Steve always knew that there was always some type of friction between Bucky and her, but it wasn’t until later that he realized that it had been of the romantic kind. It was the type she didn’t think that she was good enough for her and visa-versa. It certainly didn’t help during the last couple of years of high school that Bucky became a serial dater and she pushed forward with leaving Brooklyn. 

 It certainly didn’t help when she had gotten into MIT and Bucky had barely managed to graduate from high school with the things happening in his home, much less be financially stable enough to get into any college. 

Circumstance and teenage angst had been the winners during the first round of their friendship, but Steve was hoping and trying his hardest to make sure that Rumlow wasn’t going to be the winner this time around. 

* * *

It takes a month of surgeries and you barely consciousness of Bucky to fully understand what had happened and it kills him. This isn’t someone from Rumlow’s gang being hurt. This isn’t even Dottie staring at him with lovestruck eyes that slowly changed into something else as she slowly got more evolved with Brock. This is you -- civic engineer you that simply works at Stark Industries and tends to keep to herself even now. 

Somehow, he always managed to screw everything up when it came to you. When he should’ve confessed his feelings, he decided to pull back and choose everyone  _ but you _ . Now, it’s him sitting next to your little hospital room in Manhattan after you were stable enough to be brought back to New York City. 

He had been sitting there since he had been released from the hospital in New Jersey. Since he turned in his resignation letter to Capt. Fury after he had learned everything that had happened from your kidnapping to Steve defeating the infamous biker. 

Bucky came in every single day after his physical therapy was over and waited -- waited for a sign that you were in there. 

_ We are lucky to have been able to save her life from so many injuries and internal bleeding,” the doctor had explained to him and Steve because you really didn’t have any family anymore -- hadn’t since university, “We’ll slowly take her out of the medical coma, though we are unsure if she will ever wake up of her own volition.”  _

Bucky just sits there, wasting his days away with the hope that you would open your eyes again and smile at him again like you did when he was in the hospital. And if you did, he would tell you everything that had happened and what dragged you into this whole, to begin with. 

Bucky would stop being such a goddamn liar and coward about so many things in his life. 

If you would only wake up, so he just keeps sitting there with all the time in the world. 

_ “James…”  _


	7. baby steps.

_ “If you have a never ending thirst, you might not ever find the nutrition for it." _

James remembers Dot laughing at the fortune cookie’s advice a long time ago, when he was still a rookie and semi in love with her. Red lips has cracked open with a laugh before she threw the paper away and ate half of the cookies she had taken from him. 

It wasn’t a good fortune at all and not even a good memory of his former love, but the quote always stuck with him. He thought about it from time to time as the years went on, because at the center of it he was a starving man. 

He hungered for his place in the world, for a sense that he was doing the right thing. The hole grew larger each year that he passed in hiding, as he thought about Steve, old friends, high school, about his motorcycle--

He was sure that she was somewhere running, always somewhere in his head but like a ghost Bucky could never really catch. And while, he had grown to realize that there is a lot missing in his life, Bucky was has also realized that there were always a way to get it back -- or at least get closer as best as he could. 

* * *

 

“Watch it!” Bucky raises his tone in worry, as he watches you pick up your crutches and hop around the room. The nurse is giving him a strained smile as you frown before moving to where she is. It was time for your rehab and he wasn’t allowed to follow. 

“I’ll bring her back in one piece, Mr. Barnes,” the elderly nurse chuckles as he lets out a worried, lovesick sigh. You just wave at her and tell her to pay him no mind, like you had been doing for the past three months. 

_ I don’t want you near me if it’s for some sick sense of pity or guilt, James. _

It had been one of the first things you had told him after you had woken up. You hadn’t asked the reasons behind your kidnapping and attack back then or in the months since, though he was sure Steve or Sam had let you in the details that they could. You had never bothered him asking, but as he sat there --like he had for sometime now-- Bucky knew that everything had come out if he wanted to move forward with his life.

* * *

 

Bucky doesn’t expect to have two nights after. It is closer to nine and though he should have left hours ago, he has certain traction with the nurses and it helps that your boss’s name is on the front of the building. The room is dimly lit as, blue eyes watch you work over the latest project -- one that had been pushed back constantly due to recent circumstances, but you still wanted to complete it ahead of the Stark Expo. 

There is a glow to your face, not just from the machine but in how you are generally enjoying your work that he can’t help but keep his eyes on. Back when you were teenagers, you had both work here and there on fixing engines and little things -- it came with your fathers both working in the local mechanic shop, but as time moved forward Bucky had gotten caught up with football, decathlon, and a million other things that made him the star of the school.  

None of those things have worked out in the end and he had chosen law enforcement as a career path. It hadn’t turned out like he had wanted it either, but you -- from what he understood, you had never given up on the thing you loved, went from high school science team to majoring in engineering in college, to working for Stark Industries. 

Where had he gone wrong where you hadn’t?

“I think,” you pause from your work. Bucky slowly realizing that he has said the last part out loud, “You shouldn’t be comparing your life to other people’s, Bucky. It isn’t going to help you in the long run.” 

“So, you’ve never done it?” Bucky answers back, a bit miffed. He could hear that from Steve and Captain Fury, but not from you of all people. Bucky regretted a lot of things in life and there was no turning back, but was still stuck between accepting and rejecting the whole notion that he could really have life go his way. 

You pause for a moment before putting your laptop away. You move to the side of your bed, as Bucky watches you confused. You pat the open side, staring straight into his side.

“Then, tell me your story,” you remark, “What do you regret and wish you could change.” 

Bucky stay stills for a moment before adding on: “And will you tell me yours?” 

You give him a soft smile, one that he remembers from when you had finally gotten something right back in the days, and you promise that you will. 

He settles in for the night and tells you about his schooling, the hiding, and how he fell in love with Dot. He almost starts talking about how he met Rumlow when you place your hand over his to stop him. 

It’s closer to dawn when you start your story -- about school and all the little in-between from meeting Sam to how you meet Mr. Stark and to all the things. Bucky laughs more than he did when he was retelling his own and you couldn’t help but think it was a good look on him.

As the sun starts to come up, the two of you end up falling asleep on the tiny, white bed once more. Surely more at ease than either of you had been in quite some time. 


	8. epilogue.

_ “Are you sure about this?”  _

_ Blue meets blue, as Steve sighs. Bucky sits on the couch with a large duffle bag in front of him. On top of it were papers signed by Nick Fury himself -- witness protection and all that. It would be the best thing for him in the long run, is what he had been told as they found what else Rumlow might have hidden. _

_ However, it didn’t feel like that for Bucky. He knew where he wanted to be and it wasn’t in the middle of nowhere anymore. There was a pretty gal waiting for him, but even he couldn’t get through the bureaucracy that came with all this. Even if he wanted a future for his own, it would be something that he needed to do.  _

_ “Gotta do it, Stevie,” Bucky sighs out and lets someone else do whatever they want with him. _

* * *

You should have realized that with all the regrets and trauma that Bucky held on his shoulders, that something like this was bound to happen. Maybe, you were just hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon.

_ Dear… _

You glance at the letter once more before ripping it and throwing it into the trash can. As James decides to run and hide away, to find his true self and what he had lost, you wish him luck but you don’t have that type of luxury. 

You have to keep moving and getting back to where you once more. You couldn’t keep going on with your own regrets, even if it was only him.

_ I promise-- _

Bucky Barnes belonged locked in the back of your head once more.

* * *

_ “You know,” Steve starts off on the phone while waiting for a certain person to have lunch with him, “I heard they’ve caught most of Rumlow’s gang that was left. Fury says that they’re all looking at some hard time.”  _

_ The man on the other side doesn’t say anything, as he already knows that once Steve gets an idea in his head, there was no stopping him. Bucky would have to watch the aftermath from afar -- whatever it was going to be.  It happens closer than expected, as the deli’s front door jingles and a man wearing glasses walks straight up to his table.  _

_ “Captain Rogers?” a voice causes Steve to end the call early with a hurried goodbye, as brown eyes meet blue ones.  _

_ “Mr. Stark,” Steve grins and gets up to shake hands with the man he has heard so much about from his dear friend.  _

_ “Now, now,” Tony starts off as he takes a seat across  from Steve, “What can we do to help my best engineer?”  _

* * *

**An undisclosed amount of time later.**

> _ “Hey, kid. I think you’ve been running yourself ragged,” Tony mention during one of his impromptu visits. You just give him a glance from your current project before turning on the blow torch once more, “I think you need a vacation. Maybe, somewhere woodsy. Pepper and I have a cabin update--” _
> 
> _ “I’m not taking a break in your cabin, Tony,” you remark, looking up again once more. Tony smiles and pops another blueberry into his mouth. His eyes crinkle and there’s a glimmer in his eyes that tells you that this isn’t up for negotiation.  _

That what leads you in the car, driving upstate near the lakeside cabin that belonged to the Starks. Now, it wasn’t their family cabin, but one of the smaller ones on the property that they owned. It was only a few miles from the closest town, but still woodsy enough that most people couldn’t get there once the road started to narrow.

It wasn’t the most ideal place for someone who lived mostly with tech on a 24/7 basis, but you could see why someone like Tony, and possibly yourself needed it. The air was surely fresher than what you were used to back in New York, as you took a step out of the car and walked the stone steps that lead to the large cabin.

At least it didn’t smell like it was burning. You would be much happier without having to deal with--

> _ It’s burning. You’re trapped. You hear Steve screaming your name.  _

You let out an unsteady breath, before moving to the lower part of the pathway that leads directly to the lake. Maybe, this was a mistake because work got your mind off of the dark rumbling it still seemed to have -- of Bucky, and Rumlow and even of the ghost (redheaded and lovely, just like in the story James had told you that one night before he disappeared) that seemed to haunt you. 

Tony had paid for all your medical expenses (both physical and mental health-related) once he was told everything that had happened. Steve and Sam had been supportive in their own ways as well, but it wasn’t the same. 

Regret, loss, and fear were things that bubbled up and there was only one person that could understand you in that sort of way. The only other person that had been destroyed by Rumlow the same way you had wasn’t anywhere around you anymore.

However, as you notice the man standing lakeside with longer hair and a motorcycle by his side --the one that Bucky had told you he had once-- you couldn’t help but feel joyful but apprehensive all at the same time. 

You briefly wonder who you’ll have to punch out after all this as well, before taking slower steps to towards the lake. 

* * *

_ “Bucky?” _

He hears all a soft voice call his name and he can’t help but shudder at the thought that she is right behind him. Bucky hadn’t seen her in quite a while and when Steve has finally told him the plan -- how this thing might be permanent for both of them if she wanted it to be. Well, Bucky’s imagination ran wild. 

Bucky had dreamed of finally letting his truest emotions show -- of kissing her and spending the days just walking around the lake. Steve and Sam could come visit and they could ride around. She would be by his side as the wind caught them -- for once finally free and loving. Hell, she could finally teach him how to build that one engine they had always talked about back in his Pa’s garage. 

Time was all his now, all he needed to do what makes the effort to push forward. 

“Hey Kit-Kat,” he states with a shy smile, trying the new nickname out was harder than he thought it was going to be, but it was his reminder -- that he still remembered everything they had gone through but also opened to a sweeter future together. 

She made a face at the nickname before shaking her head and dropping her bag. Her strides her long as she starts running down the pathway. Bucky can’t help but grin and meet her halfway. She lunges herself into his arms and Bucky just holds her there. He lets it sink in that this is all real and finally happening.

He can stop chasing ghosts and living with regrets. He had been trying his hardest to do so since that night in the hospital, but it was always a day-to-day struggle.  

Sometimes, the best of intentions and wished to lead down a painful and bitter path, Bucky knows that. However, they also added life experience that people could say:  _ I survived that.  _ It wasn’t always the best thing to say or think about, it was a sort of a day to day thing. 

It was for both of them. 

But, with the sun shining on the lake, the chill in the air, and familiar face hiding due to his black jacket (though he was sure that there was going to be a lot of explaining later on), Bucky was sure that this was one of the better days.

And he sincerely hoped that they kept going with her and this new life, more of a reworking of the old one, he had a chance with once more.     

 


End file.
